Motherless Motherhood

Posted: October 7, 2014 in Everything Misang, Misang's Motherhood Journey

IMG_5315-0.JPGI woke up this morning feeling a bit sad. I dreamt of my mom. It’s sad because she already passed away 8 years ago, and dreaming of her makes me miss her again. And I dream of her every time I am going through something.

I don’t know how to describe this whole motherhood thing without her. Everything ran on pure maternal instinct and Google. I had some help from my mother-in-law and my sisters-in-law, my aunts (my mom’s sisters), and a mommy group in Facebook (been with them from wedding preparations to breastfeeding and more), but nothing and no one was able to fill that need for a real mommy advise.

I wish my mom never left so soon. She would have met her beautiful granddaughter, and even take care of her while I’m away. If she were here, maybe I was able to go back to work or have some days off from mommy duties.

But I’m very sure we’ll have a clash when it comes to raising kids. Being fed with formula, she would have insisted on using formula milk and I wouldn’t be this successful in breastfeeding. She would have these weird myths about raising kids, or make her drink boiled herbs along with her milk. Or invite everyone of her friends on our private celebrations. I can’t imagine.

Don’t get me wrong. She’s not a bad mom, she’s just traditional and funny and sometimes weird. I still want my mom to be here with me. I want to share with her all the joys and struggles of motherhood, how she would support me on my delivery date. I would love to hear what she has to say on things. I would love to have arguments with her on how to raise my child. I would love to see how she would dress up my kid in floral prints which she adores so much.

I want to know how she managed to raise me – independent, strong-willed, and stubborn. Because that’s how I want my child to be.

I just want her here. Nothing beats going through this journey with your mom just a phone call away. It’s true when people say that you’ll never appreciate your mother until you have your own kids.

Very true.

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